All Right – Chapter 5
Disclaimer in pt. 1
It’s happened twice now. You once tried to explain a concept called fate to me and as I go over what you said, I cannot help but wonder whether this was our fate, as I lie propped up against this dirt wall, chest heaving and covered in filth. I could care less about how I look, there’s no one here anyway. I am truly all alone now.
Lantash is too busy healing my injures to talk, not that we would have much to say to each other now. This is the second time I’ve lost the most important person in my life, maybe it is my fate, and maybe I should stop trying. It feels like my lungs are being squeezed and I find it hurts to breathe, it hurts so much, I wonder why I make such an effort to continue living. My body is weak and I can feel the tears surfacing to slide down my grimy sweaty face; will I ever experience happiness again? Would I want to? I am not sure.
I sit here in the darkness, in the silence hearing nothing but my own harsh breathing as I hold the one I loved tightly to my chest as if doing so will bring you back. I do not particularly care if the Jaffa find me; if they kill me, I will welcome death as there is nothing here now, no purpose to anything. My heart is gone and in its place is a gaping hole; it broke into pieces and disappeared the moment I turned your body around and saw dull, lifeless eyes that once held an inextinguishable blue spark in them. I knew then that you were gone and that you had taken a part of me with you.
I will never see you smile, I will never see you laugh, I will never be able to hold your warm body close to mine, I will never kiss you again and I will never tell you how much I love you… just one more time. I am engulfed by the memories of our short time together and my throat closes. My love…
I gather you even closer and inhale the scent of your hair, feel the softness of your skin, and I whisper quietly in your ear, though I know you can no longer hear me.
“I bitterly regret causing you so much pain and the cruel things I had said. You are my heart and the light of my life. Without you, I am nothing and life is nothing. You will never know now how I am sorry for everything. Please forgive me, beloved. You have shown me a world I never knew and for that, I thank you. I promise you will live on in my heart forever and always as it is yours to keep. Promise me that you will always be with me. I will never forget you, never forget, I love you so.”
I gaze down at your beautiful face and bury my head in your throat as I rock you gently back and forth, begging and pleading, willing to give up everything just to have you wake up and say my name…
I kiss you softly one last time on the lips as the urge to curl up and cry overwhelms me. It was not supposed to be like this, it was not supposed to happen. Never should have happened…You are my love, my soul. How can I live without a soul? How can I live? Life has already taken too much from me.
I cry a little more until I feel there is nothing left in me to give and slowly, as I continue rocking your lifeless body, my mind goes blank and I cannot feel anything now. I am not sure whether that is a good thing or not.
And so I continue sitting here, with no idea where I am, but it does not matter. Come what may, I will not put up a fight. I willingly bow my head in defeat, waiting for something to happen, not caring if someone finds me. Staying here or being somewhere else, it makes no difference. One cannot escape the pain and loss of the one who meant everything to you.
I do not relinquish my hold on you, love, as I will never let you go, never let you go…
You are gone now, love, and we will never see each other again.
I mark this day as the end of my life and I will never be all right.
I am so alone without you…, I send out one last plea… to just have you alive once more…, and in my life, again…I love you.